"The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting ratings, about making money, about doing stories that are easy to cover."
- Al Franken, Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them

"[G. W. Bush's] pro-air pollution Clear Skies Initiative is designed to clear the skies of birds."
- Al Franken, The Truth (with jokes)

"And just like in 1984, where the enemy is switched from Eurasia to Eastasia, Bush switched our enemy from al Qaeda to Iraq. Bush's War on Terror is a war against whomever Bush wants to be at war with."
- Al Franken, The Truth (with jokes)

"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from."
- Al Franken, Oh, the Things I Know

"In many ways I'm still a Hubert Humphrey Democrat -- someone who believes in afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted. A society is judged by how it treats the elderly, the sick, the impoverished. To me it's a matter of ethics and compassion."
- Al Franken, Playboy interview

"When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both."
- Al Franken, Oh, the Things I Know

"And by the way, a few months ago, I trademarked the word 'funny.' So when Fox calls me 'unfunny,' they're violating my trademark. I am seriously considering a countersuit."
- Al Franken, in response to Fox's copyright infringement lawsuit

"The irony upon irony of this lawsuit was great. First, Fox having the trademark 'fair and balanced' -- a network which is anything but fair and balanced. Then there's the irony of a news organization trying to suppress free speech."
- Al Franken, CNN interview

"[Roger Ailes, Fox News Founder, Chairman and CEO, and former Nixon-Reagan-Bush strategist, is] a cynical Republican ideologue with no regard for fairness and balance."
- Al Franken, Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them

"I once asked the most fabulous couple I know, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, how they kept things fresh despite having been married for almost seven months. 'It's a job, Al,' Guy told me. 'We work at it every day.'"
- Al Franken, Oh, the Things I Know, on marriage

"A brief digression on whether that suspicious-looking mole is actually cancer. ... Take this simple test called the ABC test. 'A' is for age. What is your age? Is it over thirteen? If so, it's cancer. That's how the ABC test works."
- Al Franken, Oh, the Things I Know

"[Newt Gingrich] is the most unpopular politician in America. His favorable rating is only four points higher than the Unabomber."
- Al Franken, 1996

"I said that Sean Hannity took residence up Newt Gingrich's butt from 94 to 98. I got that from British intelligence. It turns out he only took up residence in 95."
- Al Franken

"I do personal attacks only on people who specialize in personal attacks.."
- Al Franken, Playboy interview

"There's no liberal echo chamber in this country. There's a right-wing echo chamber. I want to create a countervailing echo chamber."
- Al Franken, Chicago Tribune interview, on The O'Franken Factor

"I think some people hold [G.W.Bush] in high esteem because they watch Fox. And they get their news from Rush Limbaugh. And they are fooled."
- Al Franken, in response to the 2004 SOTU address

"No Child Left Behind is the most ironically named act, piece of legislation since the 1942 Japanese Family Leave Act."
- Al Franken, in response to the 2004 SOTU address

"I think if you're going to do a movie about Reagan you do it about the fact that he created the huge deficit, that he armed the mujahadeen, that he armed Saddam, that he armed Iran, he armed 2/3s of the Axis of Evil, he funded terrorists in Central America, he was in my mind a terrible president."
- Al Franken, Book TV, on CBS's Reagan movie

"During the Reagan Administration, Bob Dole was present at a ceremony that included each living ex-president. Looking at a tableau of Ford, Carter and Nixon, Dole said, 'There they are: Hear No Evil, See No Evil and Evil.'"
- Al Franken, Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot

"If you put the two Bushs together in their over seven years of their two presidencies, not one new job has been created. Numbers do not lie. If you extrapolated from that, if the Bushs had run this country from its very beginning to the current time, not one American would have ever worked. We'd be hunter-gatherers."
- Al Franken, in response to the 2004 SOTU address

"Most of us here in the media are what I call infotainers...Rush Limbaugh is what I call a disinfotainer. He entertains by spreading disinformation."
- Al Franken

"Drug war, well, as Rush Limbaugh said, anyone who uses drugs illegally should be prosecuted and put away. I don't agree with him; I think they should be treated, but that's what Rush believes and so, you know, we're praying for Rush because he's in recovery and you take responsibilities for your actions so I'm sure any day now Rush will demand to be put away for the maximum sentence and ask for the most dangerous prison and we'll be praying for maybe an African American cellmate who saw the Donovan McNabb comments on ESPN. So we're prayin'."
- Al Franken, Book TV, on Rush Limbaugh's illegal drug arrest and racist remarks

"If [Stuart Saves His Family] had actually been successful it would have been a lot better teacher for me than the failure that it was, because it would have given me the opportunity to do more movies,"
- Al Franken, CNN interview

"It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you."
- Al Franken

"A concussion."
- Al Franken, Playboy interview, when asked what it would take for his name to appear on the masthead of National Review or The Weekly Standard.

"Oh, What Doesn't Kill You Can Have Lingering Aftereffects!"
- Al Franken, Oh, the Things I Know, chapter title

"Listen to me. I'm should-ing all over myself."
- Al Franken (as Stuart Smalley), Stuart Saves His Family

"Whining is anger through a small opening."
- Al Franken (as Stuart Smalley)

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
- Al Franken (as Stuart Smalley)

"I'm going to die homeless, penniless, and 30 pounds overweight."
- Al Franken (as Stuart Smalley)

"It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world."
- Al Franken (as Stuart Smalley), Stuart Saves His Family

"I would never ordinally say this, but... is there any way you can get to a pound cake?"
- Al Franken (as Stuart Smalley), Stuart Saves His Family

"I'm a perfectionist and if I start making changes, I'll never stop."
- Al Franken (as Stuart Smalley), You're Good Enough, You're Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like You

"My father grew up in the Great Depression - his mother's."
- Al Franken (as Stuart Smalley), Stuart Saves His Family

"...it's obviously how his disease manifests itself, any kind of substance dependency is very deep, issues of self esteem, you can just tell that he's a really insecure and vulnerable person -- and I love him. You know, sometimes I listen to him on the radio, and he's very judgmental, he's a very angry person, and I just want to remind him that anytime you have a finger pointing at someone else, there's three pointing back at you."
- Al Franken (as Stuart Smalley), Salon interview, on Rush Limbaugh's obesity problem